Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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