Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
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We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
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I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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