i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
