260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
