just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
