I wish I could teleport
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
