note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
