i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
