call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
