all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
