Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
