We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
