eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Randomize
