woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
