There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
