It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
what day is it and did you see me today?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
