remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
