why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
