Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
