I only kidnapped one of them. chill
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
