i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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