I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
