I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
