You really coming over, don't trick.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
