be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
