My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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