i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
