that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
