The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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