we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
