I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
