Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Did I show you my penis last night?
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i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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