rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
