when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3