you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
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i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
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So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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