Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
