I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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