I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
