dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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