Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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