so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
