Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
