Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
