She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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