when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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