I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
