I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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