Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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