Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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