"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I have already put on my inside pants.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
