No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
