yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Randomize
