I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
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