can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
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