I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I need to sanitize my soul.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
