the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
