You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
