I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
