I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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