I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Floor bacon is actually really good
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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